Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
