I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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