sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
