Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
