sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
