I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
