He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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