I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
