if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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