lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
