when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
