We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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