I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
