Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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