im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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