oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
