I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
