Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
