I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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