Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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