dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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