I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
