there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
