Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
