His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
