If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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