at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
