im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
