I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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