I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
