i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
