I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
