His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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