Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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