just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
