I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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