Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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