I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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