the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
