Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
