i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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