he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
