Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
