So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
