you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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