I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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