I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
