hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize