Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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