Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
