uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
