I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No subtext here. People are naked.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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