Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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