i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
