i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
ok first of all what the fuck
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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