the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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