What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
