We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
