I think scott just propositioned me for sex
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
FUCK WHALES
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