Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
