Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
