I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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